ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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