if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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