The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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