just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
