I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
accomplished twins. life is a go
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
