Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
