chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
