You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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