I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Randomize
