Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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