my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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