I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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