pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize