tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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