He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
