either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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