have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
