my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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