how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
