he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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