Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
