Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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