So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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