hell yes lets make some ravioli
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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