And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My cat gives me a boner
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
