Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
