She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
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girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
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I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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