So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
