I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
