Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
