He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
