i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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