So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
