bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'd cum for enchiladas.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
