im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
