there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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