Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
