There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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