i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
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