omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
