Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
