Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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