My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
