All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You brought string cheese to the strip club
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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