how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
