every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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