you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
