hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
