He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
