God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
