this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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