The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
