I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
