i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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