Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
