i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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