Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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